Not permanently it must be said - These ideas should really be considered as a Ladies guide for up to a week, as living in a van permanently requires additional skills not to be underestimated, including knowledge of:
- Wiring, solar panels, leisure batteries, alternators, electricity, stereos.
- engine and wheel mechanics
- chainsawing, collecting, axing, storing and burning of wood, how to light a fire in the rain and cold with rubbish wood.
- knowing water sources for cleaning up, places to empty chem-loo.
- geographical and seasonal instinct, wide knowledge of safe parkups, and network of friends to stop over with.
- How to deal with trouble and all types of people.
- Having a dog.
- Where to get mail post and parcels sent.
- Preferences of Police and Farmers, Traveller and Celtic customs.
So - here are some general thoughts on going away..
WHAT TO WEAR (-;
A Lady in a van must first do one thing - get a cool hat - this is your drivers cap and acts as extension of the vans image, as well as keeping you warm and covering up bad hair.
A soft wool type cloche hat is perfect for sleeping in, so two hats are better than one. Make sure your hat wont mind being sat on or dropped in the dirt (another good reason to have a separate sleeping hat). A broach, badge or band on your day-hat will ensure it looks stylish even when tattered.
Hats are always considered a sign of confidence, which is something you can use to enhance the channeling of your inner trucker.
Day boots and van shoes are also essential. Dont try and get away with some uggs and pair of plimsolls.
This will result in cold battered feet and ankles.
In colder weather dress to undress - ie wear leggings and tshirt under main clothes so outerlayer reveals sleepwear without late night changing in the cold.
Keep spare socks, and a favourite jumper or coat in the van at all times for use whenever required.
INSIDE:
Decorate your van however you please, yet arrange it for practicalities.
Take twice as much wood and water as you think you will need, water in different sized containers.
Tools/Weapons. Hammer, hand axe, knife - all useful and all to be readily available.
Store long jumpleads, and a tow rope for if you park in the mud like an inexperienced fool and have to be rescued.
Batteries, chargers, torches, towels etc etc
Washing up bowls - one for dirty plates, one for washing in if no sink.
Rug to put down on any muddy floor at night.
Containers for waste liquids, rubbish.
Podcasts/music and way of playing it. Things to do.
A hot water bottle to put in sleeping bag an hour before bed.
Essential oil to sprinkle around or rub into aches.
Toilet. Get one - digging in the dirt at inconvenient hours is no fun for any lady.
Ribbons for tying on nice trees. Incense. Spare lighters and lighter fuel.
Keep van tidy and aired. Have a routine to separate day from night eg Always put bed up and sweep floor out.
FOOD & BEV
It is tempting to live out of tins and eat bread n bacon...but try to pack in nutrients alongside carbs, take some bananas, dried fruit oaty flapjacks, packet of herbs and prechopped veg mix for frying up.
Take a fillet steak, fresh herbs and red wine for first night after any long drive .
Have somewhere to keep cold foods cold - bacon, milk, cheese. Squeezy ketch and mayo is useful in the absence of butter.
Do snack last thing before sleep - hot soup or cocoa and biscuits. It will get you through a cold night.
Drink - always take a bottle of dark spirits - rum/brandy/tia maria. However much you think you dont need or want a drink, you will want one later...or someone else will !
A slug warms the blood after a long walk or cold sit, and can be added to a coffee or hot choc, and compliments a log fire or wood burner very well.
It is medicinal for the blood when exposed to elements more, which is why golfers and hunters take hip flasks.
Homebrew is a good cheap sharable tipple.
THE JOURNEY
Yellowhammer doesnt play music in the front cab, it distracts from
a) getting to know and pleasing your old engine.
b) getting to know yourself and your surroundings.
There is nothing more boring than being confined to the slow lane on the motorway...or is there?
Make sure you have a hot choca-mocha or other beverage, water, sweets and a cigarette to hand before you get on the highway.
Its time to accept that cars are for speed and vans are for journeys. Forget cars and their silent jaunty manouvres..
Despite the pleasure for you of the backways, every diesel engine seems to like a long slow run to ensure everything is circulating smoothly. Driving slower on the Mway also uses less fuel.
Yellowhammer ensures every trip includes a portion on the motorway not only for reasons above, but also because continually changing gear or reading signposts is more challenging than sitting at one speed.
This is where you find what Purrage your van engine likes the best.
[Current Wagon's favourite is 54mph ...It becomes amusing seeing exasperated drivers brake sullenly in restricted speed areas when they are are set at my top speed, and taking a sideways smile at the impatient faces of the over-takers who understand nothing about lugging a 2 tonne truck with a top speed of 60mph about, is also enjoyable]
Once most pleasurable purrage is found by engine, it is a meditative sound that can induce various activities:
- observing the landscape change between counties. Flat fields start to undulate and there are clear differences in trees and passing livestock fields. It is easy to turn head and stare into a deep forest or at the horizon or clouds for several seconds at slower speeds without swerving.
- Try to calculate which way is North and if the weather is turning hot, cold or rainy. How long is it until sunset.
- Practice sitting up straight and breathing, humming or whistling, as driving can induce tension or bad posture. Indeed just talking to oneself and processing thoughts and conversations whilst staring at the endless road markings stretching forward is good.. Break on through the boredom back to a time when life moved at a slower pace. Think Hare and Tortoise. Big life thoughts. Observe other trucks on the road.
Being sociable yet safe is important. Getting plastered and leaving your bag with people you dont know, or sleeping with the door unlocked is a really stupid thing to do and would be difficult to explain later.
Yellowhammer has a hammer (of course), knife and axe - all of these are for practical reasons, but along with torches should be easily available with a rehearsed thought of what to do with them. Just for psychological comfort. (this could be a dark thought for any boring motorway part of journey!)
If you see some people having a fire or wandering about outside their vehicle, it is sociable to go over and say hi, sit with them awhile and swap thoughts. Van tales and music generally ensues.
Observe them first while you brew a cuppa to get an idea if they're ok or not. Move if they're not.
Dont let people in your van just to be polite or because you really like your van. Be firm with weird people. Use your skills of instinct and knowing, but a sociable night can result in much merry making, funny conversation, warmth and music.
Dont let any visitors or dogs get mud/pawprints on bedding esp not pillow. Store away if poss.
Keys should be close at all times, like in a purse belt/pony pack or on a hook near where you sleep.
Have a secret stash place and keep valuables there.
If anyone tries to break in during the night (unlikely unless you picked a carpark on a saturday night where youths like to burn rubber), get into front cab asap and turn on lights and engine, sound horn - whatever you need to do. Camp sites are obviously safe places or pubs with camping.
Happy Wagon Ways to you. Hope you sleep with contentment and awake to birds singing up special sunrises.
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